One phrase that seems to have hit the popular vernacular these days goes something like ths:
'when I heard my child (or husband) (or friend) say that (something the person felt was silly or dumb or some other negative) I felt myself internally rolling my eyes'...
Just what is 'internal eye rolling' anyway? It's a thing, a real thing. Internal eye rolling is the practice of rolling your eyes in your mind when in the midst of communicating with someone else. Why would we do it? Obviously to hide our true intent or reaction. Most likely with the hope you won't upset the speaker. That they will then think you are taking them seriously.
That got me to thinking: is 'internal eye rolling' good practice? Meaning: when you are talking to someone and they are saying something you don't like or don't believe or you otherwise judge, is it okay to 'internally' eye roll?
I would think we agree that literal eye rolling isn't good practice! In fact, eye rolling is a form of contempt, which is an especially toxic form of communication, according to studies by Dr. John Gottman at the Gottman Insitute. Gottman has been researching couples for over 40 years and this finding has held true over and over to the degree that contempt is one of the four most frequent predictors of divorce!
But what could be the harm in rolling your eyes 'inside' your head, in an imaginary form? After all, the person you are talking to (maybe even on the phone) can't see your eyes roll.
Well here's my thinking on this issue:
I am of two minds...
On one hand, I wonder if the one talking still feels that eye roll at some level, even if he or she doesn't see you do it! I would say this is because how you feel, how you are approaching a conversation IS sensed by others on some level, perhaps by observing other body language that you are 'showing' when you internally eye roll. Perhaps it's something in the tone of your voice or what you say as you are internally eye rolling.
You see, the bottom line in communication is this: in all communications we have with those around us, others ARE sensing your level of: support, attention, and other aspects. Depending on how important a relationship is to you, you might as well NOT engage in communicating until you are truly ready to pay attention in a caring way, because most will pick up on your inattentiveness or your disdain.
I know, tough isn't it? But these small moments in a relationship will add up. If you believed that the other felt your disdain, wouldn't you be more on your best behavior?
On the other hand, perhaps internal eye rolling isn't felt by the other and is therefore, wise? Does NOT being so obvious about negativity in one's response to another a good thing? After all, I don't know about you, but no one is perfect and, sometimes you might not be in the mood to be empathic with your partner or whomever is talking to you.
What do you think? What have been your experiences with this issue?
